A pre-holiday weekend rundown

1) Always check the name of the bar before you go in and buy yourself a drink. This way, if you're not actually at the bar where you said you'd meet your friend, you don't have to either abandon a perfectly good beer when you leave to go to the correct bar, or pound down a Fat Tire in 30 seconds flat. That's kind of rough.

2) Red Velour Pants Suit? (On a man, no less.) Never a good going-out option, even if it is December.

3) Even if you suck at pool, it's still possible to win. Just hope the person you're playing scratches when they try to sink the 8-ball. Then talk shit the rest of the night like you really schooled them, despite the fact that 5 of your balls were still on the table when he scratched.

4) Chicken and Waffles? Always good. Chicken and Waffles at 3 in the morning? A gift from god.

5) If you're going to hang out in Jack London Square at 3 in the morning, be prepared to be the worst dressed people there.

6) The holiday tradition continues: get really dressed up, pretend to be swanky, then go to a posh bar and try to fit in. (While making fun of the midwestern tourists who clearly don't fit in!)

7) Even better: go to some really sketchy hole-in-the-wall place for dinner and watch people stare at you. (This year we went to Shalimar--an Indian joint in the 'Loin, and yeah, it was sketchy. Really good food, though. I highly recommend the eggplant.)

8) The Redwood Room: Where apparently it's acceptable for unattractive middle-aged people to make out and grope each other on a couch in the middle of the lobby.

9) If your waitress who looks like Natalie Maines doesn't want to get you "berry juice," don't push it. She'll hate you so much she actually trades you to a different waitress.

10) $600 on New Year's Eve at the Redwood Room will get you "a table for up to 5 people, a bottle of champagne, and admission to the party. It's a really good deal."

11) If you're looking for a good time, bring along the guy who's willing to bust out the greatest hits of the white man's dance repertoire (despite the fact that he was not white himself). He was using moves I've never even seen before, like one I'll call "the jump-rope."

12) Finally, tye-dyed pants are never never never acceptable. Especially in a place as pretentious as the Redwood room.