And Part Four. . .

Love makes you do crazy things. Things you never thought you would have done, much less wanted to do.

You think you have your life all figured out--you know what you want, you know where you're going, and then love derails it all. Love changes your mind, and changes you.

It's not always big things that change, but the total effect is the same.

I have been observing this phenomenon with my friends for years: As a single woman, Laura* filled up her weekends with carefully worked out plans and activities. As part of a couple, she's suddenly really into just hanging out. As a single woman, Nicole* was crystal clear that after graduation from college, she was moving back to California and going to law school. She HATED the East Coast. One year into a relationship, however, and all her law school applications were for schools in Pennsylvania, where her boyfriend had found a job. As a single man, John* worked on living wage and other economic justice politices. As a married man, he finds himself in business school and preparing to move to India with his wife.

As a single person, I have always secretly condemned these changes of plan, these changes of preference. From the outside, it looked like selling out: changing what you want and who you are for some guy (or some girl). But the more I think about it, the more I think this analysis is wrong.

One of the best things I've ever read about love comes from Julian Barnes' brilliant novel The History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters. He says that love is what keeps "the history of the world from becoming self-important." Love takes your best laid plans and messes them up. Love takes your brilliant strategies and throws in the wrench. Love thumbs its nose at history, and says "so much for what you wanted to happen--here's what you're getting!"

Maybe the better analysis would be to say that love is the x factor, the unknown variable that's going to come in and change the equation. Maybe love is the thing that opens you up to possibilities that you never would have considered for yourself otherwise. Maybe the changes that love effects aren't actually selling out, but rather growing up.

*Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty. :-)